🪽 08: girls can be avoidant too 😅

[vulnerable post incoming] baby i'm coming home

my therapist once told me to stop hating the things i’ve developed to help me survive – that i can’t “shame away” the defense mechanisms i’ve painstakingly collected over the years.

and boy, did my avoidance help me survive 🙃

growing up as the daughter of Vietnamese refugees in a working class Boston suburb that was 98% white, my avoidance shielded me from so much ✋🏽

my ability to create my own little world helped me ignore the blatant racism + othering i faced as the first of my family to go through the American school system. i was a weirdo lil’ alt kid, so i floated by in a self-made bubble, protected by my avoidance of the pain happening in “real life” 🫣

now in my 30s, my avoidance follows me like a comfortable, friendly specter 👻

i don’t hate her anymore (like i did in my 20s) – i’ve learned to understand why she exists, accept her, and clock when she’s leading me astray. we will have a lifetime together, i think.

this summer, my avoidance emerged to me, clear as day. after 12 months of travelling post-Omsom acquisition, i felt an almost feverish urgency to keep going, stay nomadic for another year, go even further ♾️

turns out – i am really, really good at running 🏃🏻‍♀️💨

for me, it is blissfully easy to stay in motion + distract my brain with movement. keep it cute, keep it moving — don’t let yourself stay still too long to feel the pain 🥲

this pattern of avoidance is what tips really beautiful hobbies / desires into an unhealthy, destructive place ⚖️ i’ve seen it all throughout my life:

⛓️ when i first started exploring BDSM in my 20s, it was a way for me to distract myself from a world-shaking breakup

💃🏻 at the peak of Omsom, i was going out + partying nearly every night to cope with the stress + burnout

💻 in work, i sometimes occupy myself with small, mundane tasks first instead of tackling the bigger, higher priority “scary” projects

💔 i have let weakening friendships fade out because i didn’t have the courage to have honest conversations about capacity + needs

while these last 14 months on the road have been beautiful + healing in so many ways, i feel my avoidance tapping my shoulder. she is reminding me of a lesson i keep returning to: slow down where it hurts 🐢

so i’m returning to Brooklyn at the end of the month. i’m not sure for how long — but enough to stay still, sit with what comes up, + maybe even love on them a little 💓

if i had a crystal ball, i would say these are the things i’m avoiding in Brooklyn:

🔎 honestly confronting all the ways that i’ve changed in the last year

👶🏻 coming “back to reality” and having “adult” responsibilities again

🧱 rebuilding my life, brick-by-brick, after 5 years of being a startup founder there

❤️‍🩹 healing some capital-B Big things around my relationships, health, + dating

name it to de-shame it. by writing my fears down (+ sharing it to 600+ subscribers, girl wtf are you doing lmao), they feel less scary — another lesson i’ve learned from living with my avoidance.

as someone who constantly chooses the latter in “fight or flight,” i am daring to slow down + face the pain – with deep kindness, grace, + compassion for myself.

healing is never linear, and sometimes you’ve just gotta trust the process. see you soon, Brooklyn 🙏🏽

thx for reading,

😫 we gotta talk about how many seemingly progressive women embody homophobia through their dating “preferences.”

🍸 this is unfortunately me after 3 martinis.

💊 have you ever used Viagra? some older women actually hate the way it makes them feel in bed – and not for the reasons you’d think.

⁉️ sorry, nothing could have prepared me for this ABSOLUTELY BONKERS crypto bro torture townhouse story. it includes: Brandy Melville, Swiss officials, + BDSM cattle prods — don’t say i didn’t warn you 🙃

🛒 why are men’s products always branded in such a patriarchally “masculine” way?!

🎶 this song feels like the Avoidant Baddie Anthem™️, so it’s on repeat for me.

me this week after getting sick AND losing my luggage 🥲